Parker

27 Jan

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Synopsis: “A thief with a unique code of professional ethics is double-crossed by his crew and left for dead. Assuming a new disguise and forming an unlikely alliance with a woman on the inside, he looks to hijack the score of the crew’s latest heist.” (Rated R; 1 hour 58 minutes)

I know I can always count on Jason Statham to come out with a movie or two a year that won’t be particularly original, not even really be memorable, but be solid, gritty, non-CG action which is refreshingly old-school. If you grew up watching action movies in the 1980’s you saw tons and tons of crappy movies by Van Damme, Seagal, Norris, Stallone – basically the entire cast that’s reunited of The Expendables; 95% of them were also unmemorable crap that all melded together with cliched bad guys and plots that involved some girl getting killed who you don’t give a damn about, and now your hero has to fight all of the people who killed her. Or something like that. The plot was incidental, the motivation for the killing didn’t really matter, all that mattered was that there were some kick-ass fighting scenes, some good one-liners, and hopefully as a bonus some unnecessary nudity (an oxymoron if you ask most of us males). That’s pretty much what Jason Statham has come to offer in the last few years, movies that meld together but if you like one you’ll probably at least enjoy them all. (One exception was The Bank Job, a Statham movie that actually was damn clever and deserved the good reviews it received.)

The worst part about this forgettable but entertaining movie was Jennifer Lopez. All of her. What was the point of her role? You don’t even meet her character until what feels like halfway through the movie. When you do you wonder how the heck it’s connected to the main plot. Once it does connect it’s so ridiculous that you can’t help but roll your eyes through EVERY scene with her. And you know what? This used to happen in those 1980’s movies I mentioned before, but you know what purpose they served? So the hero could have sex with the girl and they could show the young male viewers some T&A. I think the writers of this movie missed that memo because her part was not only superfluous and annoying, but there’s never any sex or nudity with J. Lo, so what WAS the point of putting her in the movie where she basically plays a real estate agent who’s a total slut and lives with her mother played by…Patti LuPone??? Why is one of the most respected divas of Broadway playing this weird, tiny role in this bad side-plot of a B-action movie? Color me confused. And let me repeat, Lopez’s part makes no sense, and has the weirdest character (lack-of) development. She hits on Statham’s character so strongly and out of place that it made me wonder if she was meant to have a deeper back-story where she was abused as  child and is now acting out with misdirected sexual advances in the future, because it was either that, or she’s simply a whore, either way they never have it make any sense. And when he actually kisses her briefly (PLEASE don’t tell me you consider that a spoiler, that’s like saying he fights the main bad guy in the movie) you’re like, “WHY?!”

All of that being said, the action scenes as always were fun. Jason Statham is an accomplished martial artist so it’s fun watching him and no obvious stuntman kicking butt in pretty creative ways. I saw the movie with both Adi and Josh Baron, and Josh particularly marveled at the inventive (and violent) use of a gun clip at one point, and I enjoyed the gruesome way he stops someone from stabbing him in the face. If you just read that last line and screamed, “NOT FOR ME!” then no kidding, you should have known that from the start of this movie’s description. If on the other hand you grew up watching the same silly action movies that I did, that last line probably made you want to see the movie; and that’s the point, see it if you enjoy that same type of throwaway stuff as I do, disregard the lack of good plot, enjoy the action, and don’t worry – although J. Lo was a ridiculous waste of space, there was also still a bit of other nudity for the 1980’s child in all of us.

The movie was better than Statham’s The Expendables, which did have all of the elements of what I liked in the 80’s but didn’t even TRY to have a plot or character development, and proved to me that more isn’t always more, even in dumb blow-it-up crap. It was worse than his really good film The Bank Job, as well as the super fun one from last year,  Safe.

Quality Rating: C- (Would have been higher if not for the Jennifer Lopez element, would have been lower if not for the decent action scenes)

Boaz  Rating: B

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6 Responses to “Parker”

  1. 13movies April 10, 2013 at 3:57 pm #

    Good review! I haven’t seen this movie yet, but I had a feeling it would be like the way you described it. I’ll watch it strictly for the action.

    Like

    • boazconstrictor April 10, 2013 at 4:14 pm #

      God yes, if you watch it for any other aspect you’ll be laughing at it. 🙂
      Thanks for the feedback. I love Statham’s flicks btw!

      Like

  2. movierob May 4, 2013 at 10:38 pm #

    I actually quite enjoyed this movie. You are so right, it really does bring back memories of 80’s action flicks. Unlike The Last Stand, this one was actually worth watching. Reminded me somewhat of Commando (1987) or even Steven Seagals’ best revenge movie – Hard to Kill (1990) (His best was Under Siege (1993))

    Bank Job was definitely Statham’s best

    Like

    • boazconstrictor May 5, 2013 at 1:50 am #

      I’m glad you enjoyed it, I rarely have a problem with Statham’s movies though yes, Bank Job was the best, glad you agree and happy to hear you liked this one since you were on a little streak of disagreement. 🙂

      Like

      • movierob May 5, 2013 at 9:14 pm #

        thats what happens with movie sand books. it’s all a matter of opinion. mine and the wrong ones 🙂

        Like

  3. boazconstrictor May 5, 2013 at 9:41 pm #

    LOL, well said!

    Like

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